Resentment
"I live with this stewing resentment and it's not good for anybody."
G.* is a magnetic person who exudes good energy. I wouldn't have guessed resentment was a "thing" for her.
As we spoke she described her home life - she is a step mom of two teen agers, has a full time job as a marketing executive and has recently moved to the country and is managing the family's transition and home renovations.
She described her intuitive gifts and the desire to connect more deeply to herself in this way. And she recounted how her self-care has fallen off the priority list amongst the needs of her family during this time.
She has noticed resentment building and isn't proud of how it is showing up. Sometimes she "explodes" with anger. She knows this isn't fair to her husband or children and she can see that it strains her relationships with them. Other times she simply stops doing things and cocoons in her room - withdrawing from it all. She doesn't want to live this way... and yet it feels all too much.
Her constant refrain inside is "I shouldn't have to do this. I shouldn't have to do this."
G. entered Expand to work on this resentment and connect to her intuition. Her intention is "I shine my light."
I felt that the theme of her first piece of work was permission. Permission to feel it all, to be who she was in its entirety and to be witnessed and supported right from where she is.
So the first thing was permission to resent.
Which quickly became permission to be angry.
We did the foundational work around anger which is recognizing these pieces:
We are told anger is a bad thing and are conditioned not to express it.
We often experience anger as scary or even violent and so we do not want to be that.
Both are a result of repression of anger and result in the explosions she is experiencing. In addition, suppression of anger takes a toll on our physical health and overall vitality.
In anger work we are focusing on her well being - this isn't about anyone else - this is about G. and her health and self expression.
I supported G. in feeling grounded and then accessing some of that resentment and anger and expressing it physically.
This work takes time. The conditioning not to express is strong. The years and layers of suppression are significant. For inspiration, here is a video of me doing some anger release.
One day she accessed deep rage and was screaming "I shouldn't have to do this - I shouldn't have to do this as she hit the cube with the bataka." And then - tears. Sobs.
When we release a layer of anger we often find deep sadness underneath.
Through her sobs she said "my mother didn't get out of bed for days at a time. I had to take care of my little sister."
We took our time here. Breathing. Being with this truth. Loving her right here in the place of grief for her childhood, for her freedom.
We each have our core patterns. Our wounds.
This work isn't about blame. It isn't about telling a traumatic story over and over. It's about allowing ourselves (giving permission) to go to the depths of the feeling and own it as ours.
It's about seeing how our current circumstance isn't 100% about the current circumstance.
It's about doing our personal work so we can address our current circumstance with clear eyes and open energy.
After the release G.'s face was open and relaxed. Her energy had settled and we both sat on the floor feeling a comfortable intimacy. She told me (and it came across strongly in the way she sat and spoke) that she knew exactly what she needed to do - she was connected to herself and her insight was clear.
And sure enough - G. re-negotiated agreements with her husband with love and presence. She shared her experience and her needs and the balance of responsibilities she felt would meet the needs of each family member. She did it all with a feeling of sureness that together they could create what worked for them as a family.
This experience highlighted some key aspects that inform how I support people in their growth:
Listening for the core pattern or wound that is impacting the present.Our early experience shapes our life. Accessing our deepest feelings about a situation (feelings that may appear irrational or out-sized based on the present) allows us to get to the core of the challenge we are facing and actually experience change.
Emotional release comes before mental shifts. We can't talk ourselves into a new way of being. First we need to give all of ourselves permission to feel and to express.
Becoming comfortable with anger is a process. We do it bit by bit. We build trust and safety. We talk about all the reasons why a person doesn't want to feel it, acknowledge it, express it. Every inner voice is important. There's no rush and no prioritization of "big" expressions of anger. Your way your timing.
Once emotions are in motion clarity is easy. We often spend a lot of time analyzing and trying to figure out the 'right' thing to do. Emotional release gets below this analysis, connects us to ourselves and then what is right for us is self-evident. And we are able to do it with presence and love that overflows to everyone in our lives.
Emotional work is a step towards recognizing the divine. This is an integral part of mysticism and spirituality. We have to address ourselves - who we are. Medicine work amplifies are emotional responses so that we are invited into healing. Emotional and psychological work is sacred.
Here are some tips for working with resentment and anger:
Give yourself permission to feel how you feel. Anger is an important emotion. You are allowed to have it. If you are angry there must be a reason (present or historical).
Send the angry part of you a ton of love. Treat yourself as you would a small child in your care.
Express anger physically. Do this privately or with a practitioner who has agreed to support you. Do it safetly. This is sacred inner work. Get the energy moving.
Make it fun! Create an anger playlist. Express yourself!
This work is exactly what I support my clients to do in Expand. I invite you to join us. Expand is a three month alchemical program to transform your current experience into a new chapter in your life.
In Expand you will engage in deep mental, emotional and somatic work in a structured process so that you can fully step into your life in every way you desire. You will also have the opportunity to experience one full microdosing cycle combined with the inner work if you choose.
Expand includes three weekly calls (two recorded so you have the option to attend when it is best for your rhythm and schedule, one live), ongoing community and a structured curriculum delivered via an app that walks you through your inner journey. Read more and apply here. The application is to ensure Expand is a right fit for you right now - upon receiving your application I contact you to set up a call to answer your questions.
*personal details have been changed to protect confidentiality