How Trauma Repels Money
This article contains references to sexual assault and rape.
I've been reading about money. I've been reading what some very successful people who want to help others also be successful have to say about money. I've had to swallow my biases and listen with that evenly suspended attention my therapist years so generously helped me groom.
And it's been well worth the endeavour. Because much (all) of my bias (i.e. the ways I close myself off to new ideas and even people) are my wounds. Easily dressed up in political language and not without strains of truth but with all the self-compassion in the world I'm done giving myself that excuse.
So I listened. And I am seeing.
None of this is that complex. Being financially stable and in flow is straightforward. For all the thousands of tactics being sold it's really not that hard and we don't need courses to learn how to do it (for the most part).
All we have to do is do something - learn it, be it - master it with our time and attention and exploration and experimentation.
And then we show others what we are doing.
And then we invite them to do it with us.
If what we are doing is valuable people will accept our invitation and we will be paid for that thing.
There's no magic here. No secret formulas.
It's as true for the employee as it is for the entrepreneur.
All we have to do is do/be it, show it, invite people to do it with us.*
Each of us expressing our unique gifts - mastering them and then offering them.
What is so hard about that?
Nothing if we're healed.
Everything for most of us.
I spent years thinking I needed to be better. To follow a thousand different tactics. I listened to so many voices both in finance and in the solopreneur world.
And then I realized that on paper it was easy and I knew everything I needed to know.
“I spent years thinking I needed to be better. To follow a thousand different tactics. I listened to so many voices both in finance and in the solopreneur world.
And then I realized that on paper it was easy and I knew everything I needed to know.”
And then I looked at myself as the case I know best and asked - what's so hard about that?
And then in the woods one September weekend the tears fell.
I know what's so hard about that.
It's trauma.
What is Trauma?
Trauma is an experience that is too much for us to handle and thus we cannot be present to it. Ultimately trauma is about separation. Separation from ourselves which can mean separation from our power, instincts, physical sensations, emotions, inspiration, intuition, will, thinking, creativity, sexuality. It's our separation from our most natural self.
Things that can be a catalyst for this separation include:
Accident
Physical, sexual, emotional assault
Surgery
Fright
Failure
Shock
Break-up
Divorce (parents or self or other)
Death
All kinds of loss
Being tickled
Humiliation
And all kinds of other "smaller", less obvious ways we are separated from ourselves
Note that trauma doesn't have to be horrific to have a horrific result. So-called small events have massive impacts on us especially when we are very young. Trauma tends to be talked about in a "victims of atrocities" kind of way. In contrast, I am speaking of it in an experiential way. You don't actually even have to know the reason for your experience. What matters is coming to see when you are out of presence and learning how to heal and return to your natural self which is your strongest most alive and powerful place.
“Note that trauma doesn’t have to be horrific to have a horrific result. So-called small events have massive impacts on us especially when we are very young. ”
It is not the external circumstance that makes an experience traumatic. It is our response. For a person with a robust energy system and little history of previous trauma a fender bender may be shaken off by the next day. For a more sensitive and/or already traumatized person this may require weeks of healing. There is no right or wrong good or bad here. There is only experience.
Similarly, it is not another person's intent that makes a situation traumatic. It is our personal experience of being overwhelmed that makes a situation traumatic.
When the shocking thing happens we may have a variety of responses (and we may cycle between these at various times) including:
Dissociation
Paralysis
Playing dead
Running away
Distraction
Lack of focus
Withdrawal
Mania
Anxiety
Rumination
Trying to control
Trying to manipulate
Trying to assuage/please
It is not always obvious from the outside whether a person is acting from presence or trauma (and not our prerogative to decide). Very often a traumatic response in another person elicits a traumatic response in us. Fear is contagious. We are wired to pick up each other's fear because this helps us also take care of ourselves when a threat is present. So if you find yourself triggered by a person it is a good question to ask - are they in a traumatic response themselves? This is not always true but it is often true and the possibility that instead of being a jerk a person is actually expressing the result of pain can shift us into compassion for both parties quite quickly.
How does trauma repel money?
Here are some of the things that make earning and retaining money in any environment difficult when we have experienced trauma:
Fear of speaking what we know or understand or see or believe - and I mean body-shaking fear - not the "excitement is the same as fear" kind - this can be on a team or on social media or in any social environment. What do we do when we are afraid? We do not speak, we play it safe, we repeat other people's opinions - it's all from fear not lack of originality of capability or opinion or insight.
Here's an example that is coming up as I write. I have the thought arise - it comes from a feeling of fear in my body and it says - "don't put this out there - someone will take it from you." I wonder where this came from. Where did I learn that expressing myself fully to others put me at risk of harm and loss? The risk of plagiarism, etc is real and a business consideration but this thought didn't come from my strategic mind. My strategic mind makes good decisions. This is a deeper wiring that expresses the danger of self-expression that my body still stores. I will release that again today.
Over spending to please others - we dare not receive anything without payment in the form of gifts, payment for services, discounts on our work, expenditure of our time and energy, etc. This is done out of fear not out of generosity and is an example of fawning so insightfully connected with trauma by Pete Walker.
Collapse/paralysis/dissociation/distraction - we can't focus on the task and do it. We can't fight for ourselves. If we actually applied ourselves every day to the activities required to advance ourselves we would advance. Note that this can be tricky - we can look like we're doing it on one side of things (such as marketing) but fall down on the other side (we don't send invoices or ask for the sale).
“How did I learn that what is good for me is to be avoided?”
And another example - it is taking huge determination to complete this article. This isn't difficult to write - I know what I want to say. I know it is only the first time I will write on this topic - it doesn't have to be complete or perfect. I am aiming for clear. It doesn't take long to write and edit. And yet pretty much anything can distract me without my awareness - before I know it I am googling something unimportant, staring out the window, checking the word count, all of a sudden I am curious about everything other than the subject at hand.. Why is it so difficult to spend one hour making this piece ready to go? When publishing this piece is the most aligned thing I could do right now? When this piece is exactly what I want to be doing? And works towards the deepest desires of my heart? How did I learn that what is good for me is to be avoided? I didn't learn that in my mind - my mind knows that writing this is a good idea. I learned this in my body - beyond my conscious awareness - until now. I learned not to step forward into originality. I learned not to take a risk. I learned the feelings and in fact the size of the energy contained in my authentic expression is too much for me to handle. It got cut short way too young and I never learned to tolerate that amount of energy. That is the healing of addressing this now.
Looking to the world to meet our unmet needs and so continuing the cycle of unmet needs. If we are self-employed we want and need clients/customers. Given all the factors already described and so many more they may not be coming at the pace we desire them. Other examples are being nervous when we speak, wanting to advance in our organizations... what to do to solve these problems? We invest in so-called solutions. We pay marketing and sales professionals, we invest in masterminds, speaking coaches, leadership development. And each of these things is important and has a valuable place in our development. But we have the energetic wrong. We have unmet needs and in these traumatized places where we needed to be held we reach out to others, we give them our money and say (energetically, emotionally, physically, unconsciously) "help me", "hold me". And of course because these people (for the most part - there are some powerful exceptions) are not facilitators of personal transformation and the goal of their programs is not healing of trauma the results vary widely.
Note that these are generalized statements and your truth will be unique and complex and may or may not fit into these categories. I write to support you in increasing your awareness of yourself not to proscribe categories or tell you your experience.
And so this morning I write - not because I am "telling myself" to do so. But because I am using the tools I have learned to work with my nervous system instead of against it. Because I see that trauma is the reason not some kind of moral failing and I love myself head to toe. And it's taken time is taking time and it is Sunday August 19th and you are going to see this piece this week because I am finally ready. This piece is the product of decades. It takes each of us the time it takes and the experience of life is ongoing rather than about specific outcomes (another tendency after trauma is rigidity and splitting).
A clarification here before I go on. What I am not saying is: less trauma more money; more trauma less money. What I am saying is less trauma means an easier path to enjoying life; more trauma means a more challenging path to enjoying life.
Why the focus on enjoyment? Because enjoyment is vitality, pleasure and passion. Enjoyment is the energy that creates change. We've made enjoyment into some kind of hedonistic gluttony when enjoyment is my dog Rose sauntering around the garden being herself on a Sunday morning. Enjoyment is living. When we feel safe life is enjoyable. As infants our safety depended on our environment. As adults our safety is a knowledge from within that when we are traumatized we externalize. What I mean by this is that as adults there are no guarantees of safety and when we have early trauma our nervous systems take potential (vs actual) external threat as justification of our fearful internal state. With healing and/or good enough holding in our early years we experience threat only when it is real and live our lives sufficient to ourselves able to bear the risk of future harm without it impairing our self-expression and enjoyment. I am only scratching the surface here and there is much more to be said on this.
And so a traumatized person will not necessarily be impoverished but trauma does create obstacles to attracting and retaining money in the same way it creates obstacles to enjoyment.
“A traumatized person will not necessarily be impoverished but trauma does create obstacles to attracting and retaining money in the same way it creates obstacles to enjoyment.”
Why we care
Trauma impacts everyone. Everyone.
However. And this is a big however. Some groups live with fear. Every single day. This is a complex topic that I cannot cover fully here but there are two reasons for fear
(1) an ongoing real-life experience of physical, emotional, and/or sexual violence that began early in one's life and continues in the form of actual or threatened harm every day, and
(2) the fear in the body that exists due to previous trauma wether or not there is significant threat in the present day
I was raped when I was very very young. Two years ago I was assaulted again. 44 years old. Accomplished. Independent. Well along my path of development.
It never would have happened if I hadn't been raped as a child. Two years ago when this very large man stepped towards me my nervous system short circuited. A felt a moment of panic and then I played dead. I could not fight back. I was in terror and my body took over to be sure I survived. I could not speak the words "no".
These patterns have also shown up in my business life as well. In corporate my pattern swung between reactivity and collapse. As an solopreneur I have found it difficult to stand up for myself, to say no to what isn't working for me and to value myself at a level that is sustainable. It's not surprising. And of course it's not just me.
I take full responsibility for my healing. AND. And this is a big and. Because of what happened to me as a child I exist in the world with a low level fear ready to rear its head at any time. I'm healing and growing and building my courage and self defence skills and voice.... and..... there is indeed a strain of fear in my body.
From this place of fear I feel alternately terrified, hopeless, reactive, dissociated, collapsed..... each of which interferes with my creative expression in the world and each of which interferes with my ability to create financial wealth, love, health.... I am doing very well on all accounts. But I see the obstacles too and the amount of work and care I have had to exhibit to overcome them.
If I as a relatively wealthy white woman in Canada live with this low grade fear that is part early trauma and part truth of how to this day I am at risk I can't imagine fully but hold as horrific the terror that other groups especially BIPOC and LGBTQ experience every single day all over the world in many different forms.
This is the cycle of trauma. It repeats. And it repeats financially as well as in all areas of life.
Please do not misunderstand me. I am using my example because it is the story I have the right to tell. I have seen this over and over and over again in my clients and colleagues and friends. Please do not read this and respond with "I'm so sorry". Please instead see that the way that our culture is structured is designed to intimidate and ask yourself how you contribute to the culture of fear because each of us does. The other thing you can do for me is to share this essay with people that you think might benefit from it. And if you have experienced assault or rape yourself give yourself a little bit more than you think is reasonable today. Our reasonable-meters are not to be trusted when our nervous systems have been overwhelmed in this way.
“This is the cycle of trauma. It repeats. And it repeats financially as well as in all areas of life.”
So when I read a successful person's instructions for business or life or success I am grateful that they have shared. I learn from them. And I recognize that many of these people have not had the experience of fear as they walk down the street - certainly not on a daily basis. And so many other experiences of fear, too. And those of us who have - we need to have compassion for our apparent "inability" to "just do the work".
This is the why for this work of healing trauma and establishing financial flow. It is the dismantling of injustice. It is the reclaiming of power. I want you to have money. I want you to have enjoyment. I want your pleasure to overflow and impact us all with its beauty.
I am throwing light on trauma when it comes to money because so many of us feel we aren't good enough or aren't doing it right. Here is my experience: We have the capacity to transmute our trauma into glory.
This is the work of getting to the bottom of it all and changing the world.
A deeper dive on how trauma works
Imagine yourself at 18 months. You go to a store with your caregiver. You see something you like. For me it would have been something shiny and sparkly. You feel lit up from within. YES!!! You reach out to touch it - you recognize the shine of this thing and you want it for yourself.
“I am throwing light on trauma when it comes to money because so many of us feel we aren’t good enough or aren’t doing it right. Here is my experience: We have the capacity to transmute our trauma into glory. ”
Immediately you receive a tap or pullback on your hand - no! that's not yours. "That's not for you." "Don't do that."
The concept of yours and not yours makes no sense to you at this time in your life. All you know is the world and your physical sensations and your response to the world.
And what did you learn here? That when you desire something and move towards it that is not a good thing. It is wrong and it upsets the person you love and need most in the world. This is not to be underestimated.
Usually we don't learn this once - we learn it over time. And in response we develop in a certain direction such as:
becoming angry at life
manipulating others into giving us what you want - developing strategies to get what we want
collapsing/giving up - believing life isn't for you, not asking for what we want
lacking focus/connection to self
So when a famous writing teacher says - I start the day writing for four hours. Just write! That's what you have to do!
To that I say - wonderful - if from the beginning you were rewarded for your desire.
We have learned that our self-expression is not safe.
It's not entirely true. That's important to understand. But it's true enough and we learned it young and it's easy enough to have it confirmed in the world and we can be on a goose chase for years until we realize - oh goddess I am not at all connected to myself. I never feel safe in my body, speaking my needs... OH. It's time to change. It's time to heal.
“So when a famous writing teacher says - I start the day writing for four hours. Just write! That’s what you have to do!
To that I say - wonderful - if from the beginning you were rewarded for your desire.”
How we heal it
First we recognize that trauma is the issue. And we take responsibility for our healing. Nothing about this world is fair and quite a bit is not "good". But we won't get anywhere in blame. And I want you to get somewhere. So we need to take responsibility for what has happened to us and address it as the wound that it is. However it is manifesting in your life if you can see that the wound is traumatic - focus on the traumatic wound and healing and shifting that pattern that isn't serving you.
Basically every course I have ever taken, every mastermind, every business development endeavour - turns into a mindset forum. The effectiveness of which relies heavily on the ability of the facilitator to facilitate transformation. Over and over again trauma is presented as a mindset issue and over and over again people who are stuck talk about their problems and I want to run for the door realizing that yet again I paid for marketing or speaking or writing help and instead have found myself in a therapy group with a facilitator who is not up to the task. And I and others can end up feeling there’s something wrong with us when we’re not getting the results we wanted. The best case outcome here is that we skim the surface of what is possible for ourselves. The worst case is re-traumatization including debt.
Heal trauma first. Bring your patterns and wounds to people who specialize in transformation.
Healing trauma involves the body, mind, heart and soul. It is not a one size fits all prescription - this is another lie we get told over and over again. - it's not that miracles and overnight shifts don't happen but there is no one thing that every person on the planet can do that will fix everything. I call this the alchemy of healing. Healing is about following our intuition and leaning into what we believe is best for us next. Sometimes that is space, time, a change in schedule, a kind of movement.... I have also been called to some deep healing experiences and have made myself available for them at great cost to the part of me that has been taught that I am not worth investing in. There is much more to say on this topic as well but I will say that I have tried many things and my experience is not "nothing has worked until this fabulous thing that turned my life around". My experience is that everything I do holds a kernel of repair - some larger kernels than others. I learn through each experiment. I follow my intuition on what I need next.
“Healing trauma involves the body, mind, heart and soul. It is not a one size fits all prescription.”
Sometimes we need to sooth our nervous systems and sometimes we need to stimulate them. We need to ground and connect to the heavens. We need stillness and we need orgasm. Healing is about balance and what each person needs is as unique as they are.
What is a common thread in trauma release is the feeling of physical and emotional sensations. It is not being stuck in story but rather the expression of sensations as energy. Leaning into physical and emotional sensations and letting them express themselves in safe ways is usually the way to go.
Another way of looking at trauma healing is that the healer (in whatever modality) is like the cast. They create the container for you to repair yourself. It's very very difficult to do on your own though over time you will gain proficiency. You need a container of some kind that holds you in place. So the holding has to be strong.
A note about traumatic narcissism (Dan Shaw). It's rampant in healing and wellness. False promises, preying on pain points, empire building, certification programs everywhere, infighting, rigid language, trademarking ancient wisdom, false scarcity, bypassing shadow material, toxic positivity and not delivering on promises - it's way too common. So-called vulnerability is bastardized for marketing. It's really difficult to sort through. Remember - trauma healers are most definitely traumatized. If they haven't healed it is going to be difficult for them to provide the cast that is strong enough to hold you.
I have and will be writing more about this. I'll leave you with this from my experience.
If you are having trouble expressing yourself in the world - that's trauma. Expressing ourselves is the most natural thing in the world.
And no amount of "feel the fear and do it anyway" is going to heal that loop.
Lean into healing - not pushing.
More is possible, vastly more, than you can imagine. Your trauma is probably greater than you think it is in the sense of trauma as separation from your aliveness.
“If you are having trouble expressing yourself in the world - that’s trauma. Expressing ourselves is the most natural thing in the world.”
There is always more, so much more. And being all-in on your healing is the absolute best investment you can make. Trauma makes discernment difficult so you will make what appear to be mistakes but in the end they are not mistakes. You are on your way. Claim yourself. I promise you it's all there.
*Based on ideas I learned from Seth Godin.