ON MY BOOKSHELF RIGHT NOW

True life snapshot - these are the books on my desk right now: Five books by Mary Daly - that’s about half her collected works. Principles of Christian Theology by John Macquarrie; Infinitely Demanding by Simon Critchley; a book on stock market timing; one on EMDR; Right Use of Power by Cedar Barstow. Walking in Light, Sandra Ingerman. Hands of Light and Core Light Healing - both by Barbara Brennan. Vibrational Medicine by Richard Gerber. A Poetry Handbook by Mary Oliver. And two copies of my own book. An aside: This feels like one of the most personal things I have shared on this blog. It is interesting - I have such an urge to tidy up that list - add a smarter book, take away an outlier….

Misgivings aside - this is how I live. Surrounded by the security and stimulation of ideas and thinkers. I feel accompanied and expanded. I revel in the diversity of what’s here and the diversity of people with whom I am talking about each of these things.

And yet something fundamental is changing.

I still love the books.

And I am being called somewhere else. With people who read less. Think less precisely. Who generally aren’t interested in my writing.

Who am I without all of this? Without the subtleties of word choice and good conversation. Without the theoretical references and the next book to read?

I’m me.

I’m two lonely eyes.

I’m lost.

I’m here.

I want to connect with you.

I don’t know what I am doing.

I love you.

I’m furious with you.

This hurts.

Last night I sat in a circle - we leaned on each other back to back.

I felt the relief of family.

Of being an animal.

Of not having to own anyone.

Or define anything.

Of not being owned.

"We’re here right now," someone said.

And as I type this my hands slump into my lap with relief.

Just now.

That’s all the weight is.

We’re here now.

And we’re together.

In all of the ways that we are together.

Some of them hurt a lot but we’re all still just hanging out in the jungle together.

And I have a spurt of energy and stand up and run around making chimp calls and that’s just perfect.

And this reader and thinker is being split open one wild moment at a time.