How To Increase Your Self-Worth

The question of self worth is everywhere. Throughout the life cycle and in all the arenas of life - work, love, play, family - our self worth or lack of it shows itself. It’s easily seen in self-deprecating comments. But these are red herrings in a sense.

There is a prevalent misconception that confident people go around thinking amazing thoughts about themselves. To the contrary - self-worth is not thinking.

Self-worth is our proprioceptive connection to ourselves. It is who we are. It is intensely physical. It is the how of our being. It’s how we enter a room. It’s our first impulse when challenges appear. It’s the opportunities and people we are drawn to. It flows from our core.

As a therapist I can say 1001 times “you’re being hard on yourself, don’t you think?” And it appears to go nowhere.

The field of respect and care between therapist and client is life-changing. But the words often don’t accomplish much.

Inner dialog is sometimes the last piece to change and usually doesn’t need much attention once the being has found themselves. That’s a loose term that I will unpack.

Self-worth is not a compartmentalized piece of us. Self worth is us. It is alignment with our own energy. It’s being who we are.

Because of all the things we have learned that we should be, the road to this kind of alignment or being who we are or finding ourselves (all different words for an experience that is hard to put words to) can be pretty bumpy. Relationships and roles often have to change.

But they don’t have to change as much as we might fear. What we do have to do is leap in - committing to ourselves fully and allowing what that means to be what that means. If we don’t do that we’ll be fighting life for a good while longer. Which is our prerogative to do do and our situation to take responsibility for.

So if we’ve decided we want to do it - we want to increase our self worth - how do we go about it?

We have to pay attention to us. What do I mean by us? I mean our being at all the levels.

Resonant Field You know the saying “you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with”? That’s about the resonant field. It’s about how your body changes in relationship to people who hold you in high esteem. This is in my view the major reason therapy helps people - because you have to sustain a person’s deep care and respect for you over a period of time. This clashes with other ways of being in your life and, if you stick with it with the right person over time - big change happens. The same is true of all types of mentors, coaches, family, lovers, friends… Surround yourself with love and potential.

Pleasure This is the same principle as the resonant field. Do the things you enjoy - whatever they are! Breathe and learn to sustain more and more enjoyment. Hobbies, nature, activities, movement, relationships, adventures, dreams, experiences… This raises the energy in your body. This is self worth. Working with pleasure and your sexual energy can be a fast track to increasing self worth - breath and orgasm are powerful ways to increase vitality.

The Body Care for the body is a key piece of building trust with yourself and feeling really good. Throw out all the ‘shoulds’. Throw out the ideas you have heard. Spend time in communication with yourself. How do you want to move? Dress? Sleep? Eat? Feel into all of these aspects. Do them with care and intention. Spend time in the natural world. Spend time with beauty. As you work the other areas this area will change naturally. And at the same time being on the forward edge of what you need - leaning into changes - will help you fuel yourself.

Alchemy Magic, ritual, ceremony, meditation, visualization… change happens as we focus our intention on our healing and our dreams. As children we love magic. As adults we may forget that it exists. Don’t forget. There is so much more possible than we are told. There is so much more possible than the culture talks about. What some would call magic is every day occurrence once you tap into the power that exists in each of us. We are powerful beings. There is much to learn and endless ways in which to grow. Follow your heart into the wisdom traditions that call you beyond the every day. Change is in the air.

When these pieces are addressed, mindset just needs a light dusting.

A piece that is often not understood about the path to increased self worth is that it won’t necessarily feel good along the way. Abused children often run to their parents after a period of separation. Of course. They don’t see themselves as abused. They love. They need. What they know is normal to them. This is a dramatic but profound example of how our patterns are grooves. (And why child abuse is so horrific - it wires a person and requires great effort to re-wire later in life).

It may feel raw or unsafe as we change. We will probably purge all kinds of pain as we rise. It happens in cycles. It can be emotional pain or physical pain or anxiety… understanding this and allowing the cycle to move through is a key part of growth and healing. It’s not a linear process and it’s not easy. Most of us need accompaniment on that journey.

My impetus in writing this post is for you to nourish yourself from the inside. Despite all forces and ideas to the contrary, you knowing you, you connected to you, is the best thing for you, for me, for everyone you love, and for the world. Whatever our conceptions of divinity or spirit there is no denying our own lives. Our cosmology must includes our-selves. As we rise in glory we are all redeemed.

This is sacred, powerful, essential work that begins with a little bit of self care and ends with a connection with who we really are. From here we are creators, agents of change. The world needs agents of change.