The Infinity Loop of Healing

I remember saying to my therapist once that I was afraid of coming to the end of learning.

That I was afraid of the boredom of being “done.”

This was a real fear.

Looking back on it I don’t really understand the fear.

When I try to understand it I think that my sense of possibility must have been so limited that I thought my understanding could possibly top out at a certain point.

I also hear the preciousness of alive thinking and conversation and the fragility of it - like it could be taken away in any moment.

I hear the little girl who has finally found someone to talk to about all her questions.  Finally.

Life is so different now.  

I am clear of the unending learning and growing ahead for each of us.

The richness.  

The endless wells of all kinds of learning that can be plumbed for sustenance and treasure.

The fear is different now.

Now I fear dissolution.  I can sense our interconnectedness and my earliest trauma comes alive as my connection increases.

"Will I survive this?” my body screams.

I will and I won’t.  Smiley face.  

Each step along the way is like an infinity loop.  We stretch forward into the new and then new fears embodied reactions appear.

We release and then circle back to clean up.  

We find a new land and have to let go of what was too heavy to carry to get there.

Death and rebirth.  Shedding and re-emerging.  Fall-Winter-Spring-Summer.

We’re all of it.