The wisdom of not going to therapy

As a therapist I hear the fight.  Every day. The rationalizing, the dominance of the mind, the sloppy thinking, the externalization…anything… anything at all for things not to be the way they are.  To not feel it. To not let go.

The wisdom of the fight is not to be ignored.

The way I am seeing human life at the moment is as an instance of energy.  A consciousness “carved off” of all of universal consciousness. So it appears discrete - an individual.  Life is a lot of energy. Think of a volcano, an ocean wave… we are a lot.

We always have this life energy.  The only question is how it is arranged.

Mostly when people begin therapy - they have large anxiety or depression or addiction or relationship crisis.  Something big is stuck/blocking them. They may be in constant rumination or complete lack of self-expression - the issue is in some ways the same.  The person’s life force energy is blocked - it is not available to them. It is being expressed in “symptoms” that are not comfortable or desirable. Whatever it is that is grabbing their attention has called them to get help.  They want a change in experience.

So now we go about the process of rebalancing.

Here’s the thing.  When a person is anxious - very anxious.  This is energy that has to be integrated into their being.  This is power.  

Our culture is not particularly supportive of the individual’s power.  The levels of this are shocking - worth thinking about over a solo cup of tea.  This isn’t a cultural critique per se rather a statement of how it is.  The developmental stage we are at.  

And the progression comes when we can begin to see the developmental stage of the culture rather than the truth of it.

Because in fact we are sufficient to ourselves.

The learning of this was arrested in our own developments because of the arrested development of those who raised us.

But our power overflows.  Our creativity, energy, and expression.

To know this is to lose a lot.  It is to lose the comfort of the familiar narratives that settle us into who we are.  We each have our own.

“We have to work hard for what we have”

“Marriage is difficult”

“Life slows down as we age”

And so so so so many more.

I imagine a very anxious person like this:  I imagine them as a fish caught on a hook - in pain and flailing about.

The work is to extract the hook.  It’s hard to do because hooks are jagged.  And it hurts. It’s a painful metaphor I know.  And I hate to say it but it’s real. It does hurt.  A lot. Unimaginably at times. And what the fish needs to do is relax.  That’s the only way the hook can come out. To relax and breathe so we can do the precise work of extracting that hook.  

And when the hook is free it's going to be scary.  You got used to flailing around and gasping for air.  All of a sudden you’re back in the lake which because of the trauma of the catch you don’t remember.  And your body is completely different. You are finding your way. You are completely free. There is nothing to flail against.  And this is the most terrifying thing for many of us. For most.

So we keep coming back and trying to work on things and having our feelings and reliving past events so that we can feel comfortable.  Because the size of the water and what we can do in it - who we can be in our natural swimming selves is just too great. And the pain of flailing is more comfortable than the expansion the water asks of us.

I actually completely and utterly believe in the project of psychotherapy and healing.  And I don’t think it has to be that hard or that painful. I’ve changed my views on this piece.  Joy can happen in an instant.

And - I live in a moderate climate.  Every year I watch my favourite tree die and be reborn.  I would not want to be outside in this ice storm. The tree survives something significant.  The natural way of things on this planet is cyclical and involves destruction and rebirth. If we cling to things being otherwise it will be painful.

And here is the ultimate paradox and warning and full on beyond-mind-possibility of embarking on a process of healing.  Your suffering is real. And it is calling you to something more. Fighting it with old paradigms is only going to prolong it. 

Breathe.  Spend time with yourself.  With life in its natural cycles.  Allow yourself to feel. Give yourself those moments of connection with the bigger picture.  Feed yourself with what is good - intellectually and physically.  

I know what it is like to be gasping for air on the hot metal seat of a boat with a hook in my mouth.

And I know how terrifying it is when the hook is gone.  Don’t minimize the terror of being free.

And I know the exhilaration of being thrown back in the lake to be me where I am supposed to be.

There’s still a scar under my chin.  I can tell you the stories if I want to.  But it heals every day. The water is so healing.  And I love to swim. Soon I am making the passage to a neighbouring lake.  New waters to inhabit, new creatures to swim with. I will go deeper this time - it is cold down there.  But no hooks.

So even though I am clear about the wisdom of staying where we are.  Of not experiencing the greater terror of freedom. I also want to say - I don’t believe we have a choice.  Our beings will call us forward. The flailing will become too painful. The lessons will be learned in some form in some dimension.  

The wisdom of resisting is fleeting.

I’m in this with you.